Business School and Big, Blind Decisions

I want to go to business school. I really do even though I can't really tell you why. Convention tells me that this is a bad thing; I am making decisions on faulty logic that I leave inscrutable by my reckless willingness to "go with my gut". Convention is probably correct. I woke up this morning to discover that someone had decided to throw a rager in my brain, and the party was still going strong, including what felt like a thousand tiny feet jumping up and down on my cerebellum to a nauseating beat. Bad, bad decisions.

But I still want to go to business school. Even if I can't really tell you why. There must be a reason right? After all, aren't feelings just subconscious thoughts; ideas and frameworks that we are yet to put words around. And therein lies the quagmire, do I limit myself only to the ideas and frameworks that have found their voice – the ones I can dissect and analyze and then reject or accept with certainty? Or do I allow myself the full spectrum of my mental faculties, and dive into the dark waters, never sure whether I am holding onto a diamond or a serpent? Of course this dichotomy is over simplistic. Because the tools that I use to dissect and analyze my conscious logic often find their root in the dark waters. At some point I have to decide what worldview I will live by, what I will look to for hope at dawn and peace at dusk. What I will believe. And that choice, no matter how much we may like to tell ourselves otherwise, will always be made in the dark waters. And that isn't to say that it is all relative. Just as surely as there are diamonds, there are serpents weaving through the deep. But the question remains, how can I know the difference?

And it is at that point that philosophy turns to divinity. As the limitations of my own ability to determine my truth force me to look around for an objective Truth to hitch my wagon against. Whether we look for it in science or religion or tradition. We  all, at some point, wade into those dark waters and choose. Where we run into trouble, is when we refuse to admit that our choices are those of the blind, to humbly recognize that we didn't "take it all into consideration" – because we can't. This isn't opt-out relativism. You did choose after all. You were convinced. You do believe. But you are, like every other believer, no matter what that belief is, working – in part – off of that thing that allows you to be sure of what you hope for; certain of what you cannot see: faith.

Funny thing is, that faith begins to produce evidence. Funny and scary. As you begin to build a life around your beliefs, you just may find yourself surprised by how life begins to confirm them. How what once seemed nebulous is actually crystal clear. The cynic in me snickers, it can't be any other way! You have chosen a lens with which to view the world – don't be surprised that everything has a red tint when you look through rose-colored glasses! But then I remember, just because it can be explained away doesn't mean it isn't true. And it is usually only after these fearful and trembling steps of faith, that I lose enough of my illusion of control to really listen. And whenever I have, I find that there is a still, small voice coming from the banks of the river, offering to dive into the dark waters with me. There is a Jewish proverb that goes "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." And it is a Truth I have to hitch my wagon to daily. The waters are as dark as ever and I am no less blind, but somehow, not swimming alone, I have a guide. And in time, I usually find that it is only by going on the journey, that I can ever be sure of the destination.

So I still want to go to business school. I really do, even though I can't really tell you why -yet! That's what the journey is for. So I'm going to try to, hesitantly, humbly, with fear and trembling, hoping I will make out the sound of a still, small, voice to guide my way.

Here goes nothing…